I wrote this for you.

I am a mortal being just trying to be. As much as believe in recording my favorite beings i also wish to live with them and make actual memories. With the globe now being a small village i feel I’ve lost touch of what was and still is. I enjoy having a real conversations. I wanna see how your eyes twitch when the sun rays are pointed directly towards them. I wanna be that crack in the wall that shakes you up but i am afraid of tomorrow.

I’ve been trying to draw a neutral line but not without the interference of these two.I have come to believe that grief and happiness are twins. When one is absent the other knocks right in. I have come to appreciate their presence in my life for then i have will to fight. What scares me most is the feeling between them . It’s a paralyzing state that kills every little fight left in me. It happens slowly but fast enough to kill all I’ve worked hard to built over the years.

See everything is now so uncertain. I have to assemble all atoms from my body to actually wake up. And the world is not beautiful anymore. I’m loosing every tiny bit of strength in me and this is not good. I am an emotional time bomb waiting to explode. Someone must have started the time before agents could get aware of this mission. I’ll take a deep breath and hope someone disarms it before i grow numb.

I feel like i carry around too much weight. And that’s feels normal because I’m chubby so I’ll just soak it in. The world doesn’t have to see because those suppose to don’t even take note of the absence of the wind. It is exhausting but this girl gotta live. I’m done laying it all out for you. No more repairs, it’s time to move forward. Afterall she who conquers others is strong but she who conquers herself is mighty.

***Lunah***

2 a.m. thoughts

The sun rose like it does on any other day,
I’d just made coffee and you’d come back from doing the groceries and I asked if you wanted some without turning my head to look at you,And I hit the floor so slowly and so hard and without any real warning, I knew we’d had our differences and our silences but I didn’t expect it to end like this,
I thought there’d be more time, If I was still alive at that point, I imagine I’d smell cordite and sulphur filling the room and hear the echoes bouncing off the walls, I imagine there was a look of surprise on my face.I wonder if you thought you were being merciful by waiting until I wasn’t looking, I probably stared off at a distant point, while you gathered your things together and left, And I know that my body was there for a while and that the room was dark and that it was very quiet, because of what you’d done, But what you might not know, is that I got up.And washed my face.And the sun rose again.I hope that in the future they invent a small golden light that follows you everywhere and when something is about to end. It shines brightly so you know it’s about to end.And if you’re never going to see someone again, it’ll shine brightly and both of you can be polite and say, “It was nice to have you in my life while I did, good luck with everything that happens after now.”And maybe if you’re never going to eat at the same restaurant again, it’ll shine and you can order everything off the menu you’ve never tried. Maybe, if someone’s about to buy your car, the light will shine and you can take it for one last spin. Maybe,if you’re with a group of friends who’ll never be together again, all your lights will shine at the same time and you’ll know, and then you can hold each other and whisper, “This was so good. Oh my God, this was so good.” *** Lunah***

Did you have to?

It’s been seventeen years since i saw you. I barely remember you face or voice. I’ve been there with my mom and siblings all this time trying to fill a gap, one you left. You never even gave me time to be a child i just had to man up. There were nights i watched my mom cry and all i could do was hold her ’till she’d be calm. I respect that woman and forever she will be irreplaceable.There are decisions i made and am not proud of. I’ve been trying to walk out of them but i realize the first step is to make a mence with this. You left and never turned back. Were you not proud of us? Was it all too much for you? Mom never really talks about you so i got questions. What really happened? Did you keep others around? Was it frustating? Was it worth it? Do we ever cross your mind?Sooner or later I’ll have to make a life for myself. I’ve already met someone and she’s amazing. She’s rare but kind. A little weird but human. Calm but real. Her smile takes everything away. She doesn’t love roses. She thinks they’re perfect so she runs wild and is a sunflower. I’ve loved many but not like this one. She sings so beautiful but not to crowds. I literally can see me through her eyes. She’s got so many ways to tell a story. Her life is sometimes a mystery especially when she goes quiet. Sometimes i wanna tell her to just be free but I can’t. You see something once happened to her and now she’s careful especially with energy.The thing about our energy is that it never dies however much we try running. She has this amazing faith in me. I mess up all the time and she still will smile at me. I think I’ve gotten used to these free passes that i don’t think of how it is affecting her. There was a time i crossed the line and she went numb. She was here yet so distant. This killed me more than anything I’ve ever gone through because i swore never to be that man.Sadly i am becoming one. Sometimes it feels easier to run. I mean you did it, didn’t you? Other times i want to stay and be there like a proper family man. I want to be able to answer all the questions you never answered because you were not there. I want to be there for her but I’m afraid of never being enough or failing. It’s hard to imagine my kids coming out of one household yet i am from two. Sometimes I’m just not ready, but she is still waiting.I’m not sure sure of what step to take but I’m not about to drown again. I hate that it has to be this complicated.Is it possible to love someone that you wanna just be better? It’s not like i miss you or i want you back. I’m just starting to point my anger where it really should have been so that i can let you go. I realize i can’t make any step so long as i have this in me. Every tear falling for you as i write this is the last. When the last flame consumes this paper so will all the rage. Before i set this on flame i have one burning question did you have to dad?***Lunah***

Dear diary

I was worried was loosing my voice when i stopped finding the words. It started in a dream and i realized that life ain’t what it seems. I was selfishly inspired and i felt like i just needed a little fix, I didn’t wanna take a risk.I don’t like it when I drift from the safe zone but lately, I been thinking i’ll have to.I’m letting go of things that I’m attached to.The world won’t stop just because I’m in a storm.You don’t know what love is until you’re holding onto something that you can’t lose.I like to write, but I won’t do it forever.

There are times i can feel the water trying to go up over my head.Most of my life, I always felt like I was holding my breath.Holding my chest, to be honest, so I’m tired of it.I’m looking for something in my life to be inspired again.I like to walk around and act like I don’t know what it is but I know what it is, I just never wanna commit.It is difficult to do when I feel like I hate life.Everyone around me kinda thinks I’m a great person.I don’t ever think it so I think I’m a fake liar.

To be honest with you lately, I got nothing to lose. See, I’ve always been full of pain, but now I’m making some room. My heart is exposed. I can feel the passion bringing me to my knees.This is the time.This is the moment where everything changes.This is where I draw the line.This year, I might do something different like talking to God more. ***Lunah***

The inscription

For a second, the wind blew so hard, it took the rain’s breath away and it could not fall, and you had the only hand I wanted to touch.You were too afraid
of people who have souls like hometowns
warm, forgiving and too kind that even if you leave they will always welcome you home,remember you with your family name. You were too afraid of something too homely that every breath coming out of your body was shaped like leaving.I guess I should say thank you, for cutting all my strings but if it’s all the same to you, I wish you’d left my wings.I am the rage left unspoken unheard unfortunately
by the women before me so i write a lot and speak
a little firmly giving life to the words that never
made it out of their mouths. I believe that we belong nowhere and everywhere to the glimmering streets of glorious cities, to the dark and dusty alleys of places with names that are hard to pronounce and i wonder if it is like that because it’s been too long since i last went home.Oh, how I wish you wouldn’t worry. There’s hope in every breath. But when fear infects the bones, I’m told, the heart is always next.You are defined by the way in which you treat the people you love and, the people you hate.You meet them and keep them clean. In a special pocket. And then you start to scratch them. Not on purpose. Sometimes you just drop them by accident or forget which pocket they’re in. But after the first scratch, it’s all downhill from there. You see past their form. They become function. They are a purpose. Only their essence remains.You reach a certain age where you learn how to walk through a crowded party without stepping on anyone’s feet. You reach a certain age where you learn how to wear the skin you’ve been given. You reach a certain age where you can look at your relationships to other people completely objectively. Or at least, that’s what I’ve been told.There is a distance between the way things are and the way I want them to be.The reminder remains in the sky. ***Lunah***

The ending is animated.

I wrote this for you.You became what you thought everyone wanted you to be. But that’s not who you are. And that’s who i wish you were.I’m all out of midnight phone calls and flowers sent to your door. I’m out of throwing letters off fire escapes and drawing a cathedral in the sand. I’m out of spray-painting your name on freeway overpasses. I’m low on cute names given between blankets at 9am. I’ve got no dramatic displays of public affection left. And now everyone else I ever love is going to think me boring because I used it all up on you.

Survival is not beautiful, it is fire, ache, and everything that hurts combined but the survivors know how after survival everything is so insanely beautiful .This was never meant to be about you. It was meant to be about you realising that it’s all about the people around you.My worry is that what you measure yourself with ends up defining you. You pour yourself into the thing that measures you and it defines you. And I just hope that one day you find out that you’re fuller when you measure yourself in love and people and moments, instead of things, adoration and money.

Freedom is really expensive and no one will wrap
it in a fancy paper to leave at your doorstep. you
will have to buy it with the currency of blood,
sweat and struggle. It doesn’t twinkle like sparkly
things. It is often shaped like bruised knees
and mourning skin. but what makes it too precious is
the fact that a lot of currencies will never be
strong enough to bid for it. This is where
it becomes insanely priceless.

When you’ve lost everything and everyone,
meet defeat with open arms. Shake hands with
it; warmly, firmly, happily. It has taught you all
the things you shouldn’t do if you want victory
next time—embrace it. Your defeats are not a
sign of your weaknesses; they never were and
they will never be. They are the medals you need
to decorate in your living room for the world to
see so they can know where you are coming
from, because in the end the victor and the
defeated are kind of the same; one has won the
battle and the other one knows how exactly
it is won. Happy mashujaa day to us, looks like we both brought it home.

***Lunah***

Take me back home

It’s been a while since i updated you. I didn’t come here of my own accord,and I can’t leave that way.Whoever brought me here will have to take me home. I never know what I’m going to say. I don’t plan it. When I’m outside the saying of it, I get very quiet and rarely speak at all.There is a passion in me that doesn’t long for anything from another human being but right now I’m longing for you.

They say what we love, we are.No one is whole or ever complete. I guess that’s where all this comes in. I am now a wonder without willpower going where you want and that is not how i play. There is little one can say about love. It has to be lived, and it’s always in motion. i do not want to live what is not life. Living is so dear.”I am an artist who paints both with existence and non.I’m weary of personal worrying, in love with the art of madness.

Here is the thing, you fill a gap in me and not just any gap but the right gap. You never had to really work for it. You just had to smile and you blew me off course. I am not sure whether a year from now that gap will matter any more. Maybe our paths will be different then and we will be different beings and you’ll need another solution that’s not me. All the work I’ll have put in will not count because chances are you never asked me to do it, i just did. Sad truth but again I’m not really warming up to the idea of just existing.

Let’s play a game. I will stand in front of the board and you’ll throw your dart at me and tear open my shame and show the mystery. How much longer do I have to fret with self-restraint and fear? There is one thing in this world you must never forget to do. If you forget everything else and not this, there’s nothing to worry about, but if you remember everything else and forget this, then you will have done nothing in your life.Give yourself to the one who already owns your breath and your moments. My only question is, is that you?

***Lunah***